This is unbearably confusing to many people literate enough to Facebook, so let’s break it down.
Is it safe to cook while babywearing?
Yes, if baby’s on your back, but no if you’re cooking something that splatters. You can sometimes manage to cook in a hip carry, but only if baby is too small to grab things. If baby’s asleep on your front, fire up that microwave but don’t pick up anything hot. If you’re too hippie to own a microwave, sucks to be you.
Is it safe to swim while babywearing?
Yes. Well, it’s safe to wade. Keep baby on your front and in view. Do not attempt to swim underwater, dive, or otherwise immerse yourself.
What about kayaking?
What if I’m wearing a life jacket?
What if I’m wearing a life jacket and the water’s flat and it’s only waist deep and there’s no other boats and six people, a certified water rescue dog, Mahatma Gandhi, and a trained seal watching me?
What about a regular boat?
Do you really want to fall overboard with an infant strapped to you? In what universe does that sound like no one’s dying?
Is it safe to fish while babywearing?
Presumably, as long as you don’t hook the baby.
Is it safe to ride a bike while babywearing?
Yes, if you live in Europe/China/the Third World/any place that isn’t America. No if baby isn’t wearing a helmet, you aren’t wearing a helmet, and there is any remote possibility of the bike not remaining upright, i.e. if the bike is moving. Just stand there astride it, feet planted on the ground. That might be safe. No, get down. You’re going to kill your baby.
Okay, so it’s sort of safe.
It’s not safe at all. I don’t care if you live in Beijing. Get the hell off that bike.
Is it safe to ride a horse while babywearing?
Are the zombies coming?
Are you in imminent danger of zombie attack, or just moving from one desolated, post-apocalyptic wasteland to another? Because if the answer isn’t the former, get the hell off that horse.
But it’s a safe horse.
It’s not a magical horse robot. It’s a one ton animal that occasionally spooks at plastic bags. Don’t be all “but Devil never spooked in his life!” Do you want the first time to be when he throws you off his back onto your baby’s head?
It’s a completely safe horse.
I’m calling social services.
Is it safe to wear my baby on an airplane?
Go ask the carseat people about this, then drag the tattered, miserable wreck of a human you’ve become back here and tell us all about it. While you’re at it, make sure you add that you can’t afford to buy your baby his own seat, and you forward face your two year old. Go on. We’ll wait right here.
Is it safe to drive while babywearing?
Now you’re just messing with me.
Is it safe to mow the lawn while babywearing?
Maybe if baby’s on your back and you’re sure no rocks will fly up, pull a maneuver like JFK’s magic bullet, and lodge itself in your kid’s eye. Admittedly remote, but probably totally unsafe.
Is it safe to shoot a gun while babywearing?
If you’re asking this, you’re going to do it anyway.
What about concealed carry?
In the immortal words of McGruff the Crime Dog, guns and human infants don’t mix. Or something like that.
Is it safe to drive a tractor while babywearing?
No, probably not safe. Because isn’t that just driving, basically, but not on a road, and without a license? Scratch that: definitely unsafe.
What about an ATV?
You want an internet fight that ends with the word “sanctimommy”, don’t you?
I can totally babywear on an ATV.
Let’s make a drinking game: take a shot every time someone says “back in my day”, “but I was fine”, “illegal”, and “internal decapitation”. Die of alcohol poisoning.
Look around you. Do you see a socialist Scandinavian snowscape? No? Take off that baby.
Not unless you’re Sarah Palin.
But what about hunting?
See above answer.
So I should just stand here?
For legal purposes, yes. The only activity I can endorse while babywearing is standing perfectly still. Maybe sitting. Let’s go with sitting. We live in a litigious age.
For more babywearing snark with some occasional serious on the side, be sure to like Manic Pixie Dream Mama on Facebook.