The red bull’s eye beckons. After a bad day, or a meh day, or even a good day, sometimes you just want to wander down the aisles of the mothership, gazing at housewares you won’t buy and contemplating lawn furniture you can’t afford. Moms everywhere long for the florescent lighting and white tiles of Target, where no one knows your name and no one cares. Some moms try to manufacture an excuse to visit. But the wise Mom knows there’s no need. Like our ancient foremothers visited the marketplace, we must cruise the dollar section and slack-jawed, wander the aisles. It’s in our blood. It’s our destiny. Here’s fifteen reasons you don’t need a reason to go to Target.
- The kids need to run. Unlike Cheers, sometimes you want to go where no one knows your name. That anonymity means the kids can run free up and down the aisles, as long as they don’t go too far or cut off other, more purposed consumers. If they don’t run too far or too fast, you can reward them with a trip to the toy aisle.
- You need to go to Starbucks. Target’s like a lovely friend who, upon entering her house, says, “Here, dear. Have a grande mocha frappichino.” You can sip said drink while, dead-eyed, you push a cart up and down the aisles of things you don’t need. The coffee will kick in eventually.
- You need to cruise the dollar section. This is a serious need, people. You have to check to see if they put glowstix back on one dollar clearance, and what type of flimsy seasonal crap you just might need for your living room. This is possibly kid-bribe land.
- You haven’t decided what to cook for dinner. Target has a food section now! You can wander bleary-eyed for at least an hour rounding up ingredients for a basic dinner for four. Sure, it’ll probably cost double what you’d pay if you shopped around and made, like, a meal plan. But then you wouldn’t be in Target.
- You need some phone time. There’s nothing like parking yourself in the toy aisle for twenty sweet, sweet minutes while your kids look at Darth Vader and Elsa, and you cruise the internet in blessed peace. Just remember to shout occasionally so you know they haven’t been kidnapped.
- You need some clothes you don’t need. A slow, meandering cruise through the Women’s section can assuage a multitude of sins, especially when you have a grande mocha frappichino in your hand. Side-eye what the teenagers are wearing these days and stock up on cheap tank tops. You deserve it.
- You need to plan a bathroom makeover. Sure, you don’t have the cash to do it right this minute. But it’s good to know what’s out there, especially in the shower curtain/soap dish/toilet brush realm. There are multiple choices of toilet brush, by the way. Multiple.
- You need to cruise the back endcaps. Every Targetista knows that’s where they put the really good bargains, like the 4.99 lamps and the discontinued character cups. You might not buy those things at full price, but you’ll sure as hell shell out clearance prices for them. Because, you know, you’re saving money.
- You need cheap makeup. You can spend a blissful hour slowly tooling through the cosmetic section. They promise so much: no-run mascara! No-chip nail polish! Potions to make your tired, tired skin look more like a teenager’s and less like someone’s mom’s! You can buy some stuff without feeling too guilty, because it’s hard to grudge yourself some 5.99 nail polish. You can even congratulate yourself on minimizing your purchases.
- You need to see what homegoods are in style this month. You can push your cart through aisle after aisle of cute tchotchkes you’ll never buy, probably can’t afford, and which will look hideous in three months anyway, but it’s nice to see how your house stacks up. And baskets. You can always ogle the baskets.
- You need to feel the bath towels. They’re always so much fluffier than yours. And even if you buy some, they’ll never feel as puffy and lovely as they do in the store. So go ahead. Grope the towels. Just don’t be too obvious about it.
- You need to cruise the seasonal section. Whether it’s gardening, Christmas, Easter, or summer, you need to be there to ogle the deals and side-eye the tacky. In between holidays? You need to walk the special-discount aisle to make sure you don’t need four bottles of Herbal Essences at a one-time low price. Because money saving.
- You sort of need motor oil, crayons, duct tape, dryer sheets, and those pasty things you use in lieu of bras. You don’t desperately need any of these things, of course, and can certainly live without them. But it would be kind of nice to have them, and where are you going to find them all in one place? That’s right. Under the big red bull’s eye.
- You need a thing. You can’t remember the thing, but you’re positive it will come to you through some kind of Target-specific geomancy. You just have to be there to jog your memory.
- You need somewhere to go when it’s been 95 degrees out for a week a half. Feel the blessed blast of air conditioner as you enter the double doors. Spend an hour or so cruising the aisles in a temperature so chilly, you almost wish you’d brought a sweater. Yes, it’s come to this.
What reasons do you manufacture for your Target trips?